Good Morning, America! Did you love your two weeks of political conventions and soaring (or lame) rhetoric? No? Well, Allah has a treat for you! A million more hurricanes are headed to America, to kill everyone. Hanna will destroy wealthy white coastal regions of Georgia and North Carolina and Florida. [AP, CNN]

11:18 AM on Fri September 5 2008

By Ken Layne

779 Views, 49 Comments »

When Hillary dropped out of the race a few months ago, many male cartoonists were bereft. Not because they supported her health care policies, you understand, or because they hated and feared hope and change. No, they’re just desperately lonely, and drawing the curves of an ample bosom or shapely behind is as close as they’ll come to a woman’s touch. So when John McCain personally flew to the Ice Planet Hoth to rescue Sarah Palin from her igloo and make her his running mate, the ink-stained classes were all very excited! This week, we bring you the Story of Sarah: In Cartoon Form. MORE »

11:45 AM on Fri September 5 2008

By Josh Fruhlinger

7825 Views, 30 Comments »

Here are the current Top Headlines at Bloomberg:

•Payrolls in U.S. Fall More Than Forecast; Jobless Rate at Five-Year High

•Mortgage Foreclosures in U.S. Rise at Fastest Pace in Almost Three Decades

•U.S. Stocks Decline After Unemployment Rate Unexpectedly Increases to 6.1%

•Merrill Lynch Cut to `Sell’ at Goldman; Credit-Market Writedowns May Rise

•Gabelli Says Investors Have Good Reason to Worry About Earnings Next Year

•McCain Vows to Change Washington, ‘Restore’ Republican Party’s Principles

12:20 PM on Fri September 5 2008

By Ken Layne

199 Views, 19 Comments »

America laughed again last night as a terrible “green screen” once again appeared behind John McCain, during his big speech at the RNC. Well, the “green” was actually the lawn of a school in North Hollywood, California. And the school is called “Walter Reed Middle School.” And the random idiot assigned the task of picking John McCain’s video background during the biggest speech of his career was apparently told to put a picture of Walter Reed Army Medical Center on the screen, and ineptly googled this utterly random California school picture, instead. And nobody knows what Walter Reed Hospital looks like, anyways, so everybody just assumed it was another one of his mansions. The school is about to release “a statement” damning McCain for inappropriately using the picture of this innocent school. All of this, as Josh Marshall notes, is exactly what happened in the movie Spinal Tap. [Talking Points Memo]

12:41 PM on Fri September 5 2008

By Ken Layne

10 Views, 10 Comments »

•McCain, in his big speech last night, vowed to end “partisan rancor.” He made this clear by using the word “fight” 43 times, literally. [New York Times]

•Bob Woodward’s new book alleges that the US spied on the Iraqi Prime Minister and asserts that the Surge didn’t work. Why would Bob Woodward rather win the election than lose the war? [Washington Post]

•Charles Rangel failed to report the $75k he earned from renting out his $500/night lush Dominican villa. [New York Times]

•Dick Cheney promised Georgia it would someday be included in NATO, and threw Ukraine in there too while he was at it. [Los Angeles Times]

•McCain and Obama are tied in the mostly meaningless national polls. [Politico]

•Ike and Hanna are not the last of the summer’s terrible hurricanes, in fact, hurricane season might last until October-ish. [Tampa Bay Tribune]

8:17 AM on Fri September 5 2008

By Juli Weiner

125 Views, 18 Comments »

Welcome to the last night of this horrid week, which started with a hurricane and ends with an old man struggling to read a teleprompter — an American Journey, really. Anyway, your entire Wonkette Team is here, at the Xcel Center, just plain eatin’ sandwiches and typing, from tables on the Club Level (?), and we will liveblog things such as John McCain’s speech, or maybe we’ll just burst out of here with the usual disgust in about an hour, and blog from Liffey’s Pub, again & forever. Let’s glance over the Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge speeches that are embargoed, okay? MORE »

By Ken Layne

2127 Views, 129 Comments »

WISDOM IN THE EMAILS: “Wonkette-rs: Just wanted to point out the incredibly flawed logic of the Republican Party staging the final night of their convention — AND the all-important speech by their nominee — on the same night as opening kick-off for the NFL. Not only is football the most popular sport by viewership in the USA, it’s also (supposedly) favored by gun-totin’, red-blooded, all-around good ol’ boys (like Levi Johnston!). — Juan S.” [UPI]

By Ken Layne

671 Views, 24 Comments »

That’s former Senator Bill Frist you see speaking on tonight’s redesigned RNC stage, with a lovely projection of the African plains at dusk as his backdrop. You know what else is a projection? The massive black cock on which he’s standing.

1171 Views, 58 Comments »

John McCain was a prisoner of war once, which automatically qualified him for every job ever invented, including haberdasher, whale scientist, and sex toy engineer. Let’s see how many people in this biographical film say, “That’s offensive!” when they are asked an actual question about John McCain. MORE »

By Sara K. Smith

10760 Views, 565 Comments »

It is sad to think we will never be here again, at the Xcel Center Hockey Rink, in St. Paul of Minnesota. Ha ha, just kidding. We are so ready to get the living hell out of here! Do you know how long we’ve been covering these two conventions, in two cities 1,100 miles apart? FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Or 13 days, same thing, really. Let’s liveblog Walnuts McCain giving the speech of, er, the night! MORE »

22218 Views, 475 Comments »

All we see is some old man with a big green screen behind him. *Hopefully* this isn’t what the McCain people decided would be a good idea, which it wouldn’t, for the second time. Oh God now the screen just got “smoky” green like death! Now it’s blue! Code Pink! COUNTRY FIRST. MORE »

16127 Views, 461 Comments »

1061 Views, 61 Comments »

By Jim Newell

371 Views, 23 Comments »

Here’s the four-minute biographical video of Sarah Palin that was supposed to air before her speech last night — had Rudy Giuliani not gone on smearing his rat shit an extra 900 hours more than planned. They should’ve shown this anyway. It seems like something made by actual, civil adults, as opposed to the airless Giuliani-Palin speech twofer that dried the skulls of anyone capable of constructive thought. [TPM Election Central]

By Jim Newell

1071 Views, 48 Comments »

•BUT IT’S SEXIST MONEY: “Obama scores $8 million since Palin’s speech from over 130,000 donors - on pace to hit $10 million by the time John McCain hits stage, campaign says.” [Drudge Report]

By Jim Newell

1318 Views, 67 Comments »

Last night, Wonkette videographer Liz Glover stole someone’s CNN Grill credential and gained entry into this mysterious hub of vapidity, where she found a cute doggy sleeping through Sarah Palin’s “stemwinder” of a wingnut rant. Then she tried to interview The Daily Show’s John Oliver, but he rejected her — he already had a make-out date scheduled with Dana Milbank in the Grill’s unisex bathroom. And then the sleeping dog awakens and attacks Liz Glover. No one helps for like a minute! CNN is corrupt with blood money. [YouTube]

1618 Views, 68 Comments »

Welcome to the last night of this horrid week, which started with a hurricane and ends with an old man struggling to read a teleprompter — an American Journey, really. Anyway, your entire Wonkette Team is here, at the Xcel Center, just plain eatin’ sandwiches and typing, from tables on the Club Level (?), and we will liveblog things such as John McCain’s speech, or maybe we’ll just burst out of here with the usual disgust in about an hour, and blog from Liffey’s Pub, again & forever. Let’s glance over the Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge speeches that are embargoed, okay? MORE »

8:45 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Ken Layne

1680 Views, 127 Comments »

WISDOM IN THE EMAILS: “Wonkette-rs: Just wanted to point out the incredibly flawed logic of the Republican Party staging the final night of their convention — AND the all-important speech by their nominee — on the same night as opening kick-off for the NFL. Not only is football the most popular sport by viewership in the USA, it’s also (supposedly) favored by gun-totin’, red-blooded, all-around good ol’ boys (like Levi Johnston!). — Juan S.” [UPI]

8:54 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Ken Layne

334 Views, 23 Comments »

That’s former Senator Bill Frist you see speaking on tonight’s redesigned RNC stage, with a lovely projection of the African plains at dusk as his backdrop. You know what else is a projection? The massive black cock on which he’s standing.

663 Views, 47 Comments »

It is sad to think we will never be here again, at the Xcel Center Hockey Rink, in St. Paul of Minnesota. Ha ha, just kidding. We are so ready to get the living hell out of here! Do you know how long we’ve been covering these two conventions, in two cities 1,100 miles apart? FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Or 13 days, same thing, really. Let’s liveblog Walnuts McCain giving the speech of, er, the night! MORE »

By Ken Layne

2227 Views, 97 Comments »

John McCain was a prisoner of war once, which automatically qualified him for every job ever invented, including haberdasher, whale scientist, and sex toy engineer. Let’s see how many people in this biographical film say, “That’s offensive!” when they are asked an actual question about John McCain. MORE »

By Sara K. Smith

3228 Views, 248 Comments »

All your friends who’ve been in places like Denver and St. Paul for the last nineteen weeks will be back in town tomorrow, hurrah! They will want to drink, heavily. Here are some means to that end, and an elitist movie or two. MORE »

By Juli Weiner

1565 Views, 10 Comments »

We really went to the damned Ron Paul rally. It was honestly depressing. This guy was just cold enforcing the Constitution on these food-service workers trapped in Target Center all day with these losers counting out their change for another chili dog. We have other sad pictures, if you want to cry or laugh or whatever people do. MORE »

By Ken Layne

3424 Views, 50 Comments »

Like Sarah Palin said last night, mayors have Actual Responsibilities, unlike community organizers who just help poor people stay alive after their steel plant jobs are outsourced. And Sarah Palin’s responsibilities included funding “the meth capitol of Alaska,” as Alaskan State Troopers call the Wasilla region: “When authorities surrounded a converted bus housing a meth operation in Big Lake in January, a 13-year-old boy who answered the door bragged that his mom cooked the best meth in the valley, according to the troopers.” See? In Alaska, “Hockey Mom” is code for “Arctic Meth Princess.” [Andrew Sullivan]

By Jim Newell

1890 Views, 74 Comments »

John McCain’s people had about 24 hours to get Levi “Fuckin’ Redneck” Johnston a haircut, a shave, a tailored Italian wool suit, and some invisible duct tape to cover his mouth so that he could NEVER SAY A WORD. Somewhere along the line, however, he skipped out to the one store in Wasilla — a tattoo parlor — to get “Bristol” inked into the skin of his ring finger. Richard Cohen must be furious. [HuffPo]

By Jim Newell

1833 Views, 69 Comments »

•DUMB GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN PROUDLY DEPLOYS RACIST CODE WORD: Oh good Lord. Lynn Westmoreland, some boneheaded Georgia Republican congressman, called Barack Obama “uppity” today. UPPITY. This is just plain amazing, since usually even Republicans are smart enough to use clever code words like “community organizer” to describe irritating black people who demonstrate their outrageous sense of superiority and entitlement by trying to, uh, help people. [The Hill]

By Sara K. Smith

1211 Views, 73 Comments »

Here’s the four-minute biographical video of Sarah Palin that was supposed to air before her speech last night — had Rudy Giuliani not gone on smearing his rat shit an extra 900 hours more than planned. They should’ve shown this anyway. It seems like something made by actual, civil adults, as opposed to the airless Giuliani-Palin speech twofer that dried the skulls of anyone capable of constructive thought. [TPM Election Central]

659 Views, 39 Comments »

•BUT IT’S SEXIST MONEY: “Obama scores $8 million since Palin’s speech from over 130,000 donors - on pace to hit $10 million by the time John McCain hits stage, campaign says.” [Drudge Report]

By Jim Newell

737 Views, 53 Comments »

Last night, Wonkette videographer Liz Glover stole someone’s CNN Grill credential and gained entry into this mysterious hub of vapidity, where she found a cute doggy sleeping through Sarah Palin’s “stemwinder” of a wingnut rant. Then she tried to interview The Daily Show’s John Oliver, but he rejected her — he already had a make-out date scheduled with Dana Milbank in the Grill’s unisex bathroom. And then the sleeping dog awakens and attacks Liz Glover. No one helps for like a minute! CNN is corrupt with blood money. [YouTube]

By Jim Newell

146 Views, 17 Comments »

The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.” MORE »

12:20 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Sara K. Smith

2879 Views, 52 Comments »

As we were leaving the convention last night, we were diverted down a sinister staircase to this creepy row of Republican Death-Litters. Every night these fill up a hundred times with the decrepit and infirm, and they are wheeled out and replaced with waxen robots chanting “ZERO! ZERO!” who dance to terrible country tunes until they run out of tobacco juice. [YouTube]

12:58 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Sara K. Smith

863 Views, 41 Comments »

So after our little tour of the Republican Death Slave Equipment we went next door to The Liffey, the bar of choice for lazy journalists who want to get as many beers into their bodies as quickly as possible following four hours of hillbilly baying for Elitist Media blood. We sat down with a couple of the Reason kids, and this nice young lady came up and said, “So what did you think of the speech?” MORE »

1:39 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Sara K. Smith

4469 Views, 32 Comments »

•NOT IMPRESSED WITH PALIN’S SPEECH: “Let’s be honest about what we saw: a woman who was thrust into the presidential race in a farce worthy of Preston Sturges, reciting a speech written by Matthew Scully, faking as hard as she could fake, and lying as fast as she could lie.” Question: Why is Dave Weigel such a terrible sexist? [Reason]

By Sara K. Smith

Guess where your editor went, on Tuesday? That’s right, to the magical Ron Paul Concert, in downtown Minneapolis. MORE »

1026 Views, 25 Comments »

Sarah Palin’s speech was so nasty that she started shooting Canadian troops. Why would she do that? [Extreme Mortman]

2:36 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Jim Newell

817 Views, 43 Comments »

All your friends who’ve been in places like Denver and St. Paul for the last week will be back in town tomorrow, hurrah! They will want to drink, heavily. Here are some means to that end, and an elitist movie or two. MORE »

3:09 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Juli Weiner

641 Views, 6 Comments »

We really went to the damned Ron Paul rally. It was honestly depressing. This guy was just cold enforcing the Constitution on these food-service workers trapped in Target Center all day with these losers counting out their change for another chili dog. We have other sad pictures, if you want to cry or laugh or whatever people do. MORE »

By Ken Layne

991 Views, 24 Comments »

The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.” MORE »

12:20 PM on Thu September 4 2008

By Sara K. Smith

670 Views, 26 Comments »

•Here it is, your quadrennial dose of “Why aren’t there any black people in the Republican party?” [Washington Post]

•Sarah Palin chirped out a bunch of depressing, angry class-war claptrap before an enthusiastic audience at the Republican National Convention last night. [Wall Street Journal]

•More terrible hurricanes gather in the Bahamas. [Reuters]

•Dick Cheney went to Georgia to promise them that some other (vice) president would get them into Nato, someday. [BBC]

•Sarah Palin sent emails to that trooper who wouldn’t fire her brother-in-law complaining about how he wouldn’t fire her brother-in-law — a man who sounds like a certifiable creep, which granted does not make him unique among state troopers. [Washington Post]

•Here is the word from Sarah Palin’s hometown newspaper on what all her experience “commanding” the Alaska National Guard adds up to (slightly less than a hill of beans). [Anchorage Daily News]

8:59 AM on Thu September 4 2008

By Sara K. Smith

228 Views, 16 Comments »

The Democratic vice presidential candidate has nothing but wonderful praise for Sarah Palin and how fantastic her speech was last night. He doesn’t know how he could possibly win a debate with her, because she will be such a master debater! And John Roberts is all, “You’re raising expectations!!” because duh. [CNN]

9:30 AM on Thu September 4 2008

By Sara K. Smith

112 Views, 4 Comments »

Here’s teevee’s Ben Stein, the funny conservative author and Nixon/Ford speechwriter best known for that game show and yelling at Matthew Broderick in the 1980s. He is not impressed with Sarah Palin. No matter what weird causes Ben Stein supports, he has never been very forgiving of total idiots.

1:47 AM on Thu September 4 2008

By Ken Layne

513 Views, 31 Comments »

THAT’S SEXIST: “As an actual feminist, I have the great good joy of getting to determine what is and isn’t sexist. Sexist: Asking whether Sarah Palin shouldn’t be staying home with her baby and her other children. Not sexist: Pointing out that Sarah Palin is an utter twit.” [Commie Girl/LA City Beat]

2:56 AM on Thu September 4 2008

By Ken Layne

104 Views, 9 Comments »

Our best friend Mittens Romney must be so relieved that the old coot called him with a “no” for veep this year. Who’d want to be on the losingest loser ticket ever, in 2008? Sarah Palin would, sooo… yeah. Anyway, let’s see what Mitt Romney has to say and his Kumming & Going in his famously magical underpants, in Minnesota. We bet that he’ll LIE a few times, hmm? MORE »

By Jim Newell

4559 Views, 195 Comments »

Mike Huckabee was one of the best failed presidential candidates in the world: from his kinky public sex hijinks with his frightening wife, to his comical insistence on staying in the primary race because he went to the College of God instead of the College of Maths, and also that time he fucked a squirrel on Arkansas public television. What wonderful things will he say tonight, at the Republican National Convention, in order to make John McCain regret not picking the other pleasant wingnut Christian governor from a state of tattooed alcoholic rednecks? MORE »

By Sara K. Smith

4494 Views, 143 Comments »

Here’s a picture we took last night, of absolutely nobody in line to see the liberal Joe Lieberman lecture Republicans at the convention. Seriously, this was at about 8 p.m. local time, at the main entrance/security checkpoint, before Fred Thompson or Lieberman gave their speeches. MORE »

1810 Views, 99 Comments »

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, the end. MORE »

11193 Views, 427 Comments »

“From the author of FIGHT CLUB, CHOKE is a wickedly colorful dark comedy about mothers and sons, sexual compulsion, and the sordid underbelly of colonial theme parks, starring Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston. See CHOKE In theaters on September 26.”

By blogads

168 Views, Comments Off

Guess who hasn’t been mentioned at all tonight? America’s favorite president, George W. Bush Junior! It’s as if Republicans haven’t held the White House for the past eight years. Who can remember that far back? So let’s welcome the new Geraldine Ferraro, “Barracuda Sarah” Palin — her own sister just called her that, on CNN — as she squeaks through a speech destined to give John McCain the SURGE he needs to finish this campaign as a complete sell-out loser who stands for nothing. Go Sarah! MORE »

33485 Views, 851 Comments »

OUR ASSESSMENT: Sarah Palin is a shitty version of Ann Richards, who stomped out to make snide remarks about Republicans, and then lost. UPDATE: David Gergen just said basically the same thing on CNN.

By Ken Layne

2446 Views, 103 Comments »

Something sort of familiar about scary old McCain and shrill Mrs. President Palin? Yes, they are the space monsters from teevee’s Battlestar Galactica — the doomed leaders of a spaceship filled with frantic losers running for their lives from the PLANET THEY DESTROYED … we think. We have not actually watched this show, but we vaguely recall the terrible original version from 1942. You people, in the comments, will very quickly display an encyclopedic knowledge of the show, and how it proves McCain-Palin will destroy our planet, too. [Tigh-Roslin 2008 via Cryptogon]

12:34 AM on Thu September 4 2008

392 Views, 25 Comments »

YOUR WEDNESDAY NIGHT WONKETTE-RNC SCHEDULE: Live coverage and liveblogging of our favorites dudes: Billionaire space monster Mitt Romney, squirrel-licker Mike Huckabee, and rancid rat beast Rudy Giuliani! Plus: There’s some lady from Alaska, the beloved statesman Sarah Palin, who has more experience than Gandhi, Churchill and Stalin put together! [The Page]

By Ken Layne

2141 Views, 175 Comments »

“From the author of FIGHT CLUB, CHOKE is a wickedly colorful dark comedy about mothers and sons, sexual compulsion, and the sordid underbelly of colonial theme parks, starring Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston. See CHOKE In theaters on September 26.”

By blogads

147 Views, Comments Off

Do you love to know what the politicians will say about an hour before they say it? Then you’ll love reading tonight’s speeches by nasty sex ferret Rudy Giuliani, Mormon charmer Mitt Romney, and “You Might Be A Redneck” star Mike Huckabee. Go ahead, read them or whatever. MORE »

By Ken Layne

2118 Views, 37 Comments »

Our best friend Mittens Romney must be so relieved that the old coot called him with a “no” for veep this year. Who’d want to be on the losingest loser ticket ever, in 2008? Sarah Palin would, sooo… yeah. Anyway, let’s see what Mitt Romney has to say and his Kumming & Going in his famously magical underpants, in Minnesota. We bet that he’ll LIE a few times, hmm? MORE »

By Jim Newell

4008 Views, 193 Comments »

Mike Huckabee was one of the best failed presidential candidates in the world: from his kinky public sex hijinks with his frightening wife, to his comical insistence on staying in the primary race because he went to the College of God instead of the College of Maths, and also that time he fucked a squirrel on Arkansas public television. What wonderful things will he say tonight, at the Republican National Convention, in order to make John McCain regret not picking the other pleasant wingnut Christian governor from a state of tattooed alcoholic rednecks? MORE »

By Sara K. Smith

3871 Views, 143 Comments »

Here’s a picture we took last night, of absolutely nobody in line to see the liberal Joe Lieberman lecture Republicans at the convention. Seriously, this was at about 8 p.m. local time, at the main entrance/security checkpoint, before Fred Thompson or Lieberman gave their speeches. MORE »

By Ken Layne

1272 Views, 98 Comments »

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, the end. MORE »

By Jim Newell

7507 Views, 390 Comments »

Guess who hasn’t been mentioned at all tonight? America’s favorite president, George W. Bush Junior! It’s as if Republicans haven’t held the White House for the past eight years. Who can remember that far back? So let’s welcome the new Geraldine Ferraro, “Barracuda Sarah” Palin — her own sister just called her that, on CNN — as she squeaks through a speech destined to give John McCain the SURGE he needs to finish this campaign as a complete sell-out loser who stands for nothing. Go Sarah! MORE »

1 View,