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L I S T S .
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This section will be updated as often as possible with several new lists at a time.
[Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.]
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Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists is now available for purchase at any bookstore you care to name.
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Three Things I'd Take to a Desert Island By Mike Sacks (8/28/08)
Jokes I Came Up With While Recovering From Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus aureus By Olivia Walch (8/28/08)
Footnotes, Endnotes, and Parentheticals That Cost Me Marks on My Thesis By Mike Baylis (8/28/08)
T-Shirts My Ex-Boyfriends Would Wear in a More Honest World By Laura Registrato (8/21/08)
Notable Moments at Home-School Prom By Lincoln Michel (8/21/08)
Planned Sequels to Nicolas Cage's Upcoming Film Bangkok Dangerous By Benjamin Sarlin (8/21/08)
Jane Austen Tries Her Hand at Advertising By Halli Melnitsky (7/31/08)
Kama Suture Techniques By Sara Kinninmont (7/31/08)
Parks for English Majors By Andrew Bridgman (7/31/08)
New York's Best Child Doctors By Lucas Klauss (7/17/08)
I Think My Soulmate Has Done Hard Time By Jerry Renek, Marty Shields, John Garside, and Keith Landau (7/17/08)
Pickup Lines to Use While Moving By Alison Rosen (6/27/08)
Existential Travel Guides By Kevin Ueda (6/27/08)
Phrases I'd Rather Not Be Used at My Funeral By Harry Burt (6/27/08)
Neil Diamond's Shilo: Girl, Dog, or Demon? By Ann Tweedy (6/20/08)
Table Names at Our Wedding If We Were Truthful By Harris Bloom (6/20/08)
All the Words By Nicole Cliffe (6/20/08)
Top Searches on Gogol.com By Teddy Wayne (6/4/08)
Reasons Why Your Retired Derby-Winning Stallion Isn't Siring By Marco Kaye (6/4/08)
The Final Standings in a Contest to Create an Emoticon for the Most Seemingly Impossible to Depict State of Being By Adam Quesnell (6/4/08)
Selected Minutes From Lolcat City Council Meetings By Chris Steck (5/20/08)
30 Rocks By Rachel Andelman (5/20/08)
Performance-Review Phrases I Don't Want to Hear on Judgment Day By Sarah Efird (5/20/08)
Intolerable Acts By Mark Amundsen (5/14/08)
Jobs That Have Salaries Arguably Incommensurate With the Work They Entail By Eric Feezell (5/14/08)
Actual Hummer Dealerships By Andrew Brandon (5/14/08)
Lee Marvin's Blender Settings By Jim Cowles (5/8/08)
Less Popular Alternatives to First-Person Shooters By Philip Apps (5/8/08)
Court Cases With Which I Am Familiar By Hudson Hongo (5/8/08)
What My Dad Is Talking About When He Yells "That's What I'm Talking 'Bout" By Julia McCloy (4/24/08)
Categories I'd Be Sure to Win In on the Show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? By Mandy Schick (4/24/08)
Sex Practices of the Freelance Writer By Iris Smyles (4/24/08)
Alternatives to Setting Your House on Fire to Avoid Foreclosure By Melanie Berliet (4/16/08)
If Horton Lived in My Neighborhood By Wendi Aarons (4/16/08)
Classes My Top-Tier Law School Should Have Offered as Warnings About the Profession By E. Noakes (4/16/08)
Signs Your Work Environment Is Actually Van Halen Circa 1984 By Ryan Boudinot (4/10/08)
Uncircumcised Men Speak About Their Foreskins By Jimmy Chen (4/10/08)
All Tomorrow's Pills By Dan Kennedy (4/10/08)
Relationship Advice I Might Give, Considering How My Last One Ended By Allison Morrow (4/3/08)
Easy-Listening Songs From the '70s, Rewritten by the Artists After They Had Kids By Suzanne Broughton (4/3/08)
Porn for Depressives By Carmen Nobel (4/3/08)
Underwhelmingly Titled Hypothetical Pro-Sports Video Games From the Early 1990s By Jay Silverman (3/26/08)
Notes From My Grandma By Mark Iscoe (3/26/08)
Titles of Love Songs I Would Write for People Like Me By Kathy Salerno (3/26/08)
Text Messages That Would Have Been Helpful By Jen Statsky (3/20/08)
American Gladiator or American Car Model? By Sarah Spooner (3/20/08)
Broadway Musicals Written by Gender-Studies Professors By Sascha Cohen (3/20/08)
A Comprehensive List of Third-Place Finishers for U.S. President, 20082036 By David Warnke (3/6/08)
Brews to Accessorize the Modern Hipster By Kevin Scheitrum (3/6/08)
Unremarkable Things Bent by Uri Geller By Tyler Smith (3/6/08)
An Accidental Merging of the 2007 Billboard Year-End Hot 100 With the Operating Report From My Bowel Resection By Greta Boesel (2/28/08)
A Picnic Date Ending in an Awkward Sexual Encounter, Told Chronologically Through Board-Game Titles By Jeff Russell (2/28/08)
Cowboy Deaths, in Descending Order of Degree of Dignity By Nathan Thornton (2/28/08)
Unfortunate "That's What She Said" Precursors in Casual Sports By David Henne (2/21/08)
Significant Ways I Differ From Carly Simon By Mark Amundsen (2/21/08)
The Seven Laws of Higher Self-Esteem By Wynn Quon (2/21/08)
Other Things There Will Be, in Addition to Blood By Meredith Rodkey and Scott Rodkey (2/7/08)
Recipes for Disaster By Jennifer Miller (2/7/08)
The 21st-Century Adventures of Tintin By Neil Graf (2/7/08)
NFL Players Whose Names Sound Vaguely Dickensian, and the Characters They Would Be in an Actual Dickens Novel (20072008 Regular Season Edition) By Susan Schorn (2/1/08)
Times You're a Lady By Jessica Clary (2/1/08)
What Pathologists Might Name Their Daughters By Brett Ortler (2/1/08)
The Oldest Tricks in the Book By Neil Reynolds (1/24/08)
If Allen Ginsberg Had Written Pay-Per-Click Ads By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (1/24/08)
Rejected Introductions to Days of Our Lives By Andy Friedhof (1/24/08)
A Brief History of the War on Terror as Told Through Song Titles of the Legendary Canadian Rock Group April Wine By Caley Feldman (1/17/08)
Maxim Articles Rewritten as Sociology Papers By Franois Vincent (1/17/08)
Alternate Titles for It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World By Julia McCloy (1/17/08)
Top Ten Best Ever By Peter Ferland (1/10/08)
Art Movements Inspired by 2008 Presidential Hopefuls By Eric Feezell (1/10/08)
The Wages of Sin By David W. McCoy (1/10/08)
Correspondences Between TV Characters and Sets Containing a Specified Number of Items By Jay Wexler (12/20/07)
Band Names That, When Announced From the Stage, Elicit the Most-Tepid Responses By Melanie Minzes and Christian Harris (12/20/07)
"Clue" Accusations, 2012 By David Hart (12/20/07)
Yiddish Spam By Matthew David Brozik (12/13/07)
Songs of the Beach Boys Adapted as Homeric Hymns (Circa 800 B.C.) By Alexander Nazaryan (12/13/07)
The Lesser-Known Slogans of Political Moderates By Kate Johansen and Katie Bukowski (12/13/07)
Rarely Used Parenthetical Statements By Eric Karjala (12/7/07)
Twisted Sister: Where Are They Now? By Mike Drucker and Jon Clarke (12/7/07)
James Bond Films for the George W. Bush Era By Christopher A. Smith (12/7/07)
Increasingly Dangerous Cheeses By Lucas Klauss (11/29/07)
How-To Books Based on Pregnancy Bestsellers By David Fuad (11/29/07)
Twenty-First-Century Computing, as Explained by My Mother By Pasha Malla (11/29/07)
A Hillbilly Thanksgiving Menu By Mark Fisher (11/21/07)
Lifetime Television Movies of the Future By Jessie Cantrell (11/21/07)
Lowbrow TV Programming for Linguists By Andrew C. Duenas (11/21/07)
Billy Ray Cyrus's Remaining Daughters and the Relative Worth of Their Concert Tickets By Mark Squirek (11/15/07)
Personals From Nonpersons By Peter Cameron (11/15/07)
Chain Restaurants That Went Kosher By Jacob Stulberg (11/15/07)
Top Hip-Hop Acts of 18th-Century England By Mike Richardson-Bryan (11/8/07)
State Mottoes for the Severely Depressed By Wendy Molyneux (11/8/07)
New Romantic-Networking Websites for the Single Archaeologist By Eric Feezell and Wayne Gladstone (11/8/07)
Innovative Mischief-Night Pranks You Are More Than Welcome to Play on Me By Frank Ferri (10/31/07)
Embarrassing Costumes My Dad Wore on Trick-or-Treat Night By Nathan Thornton (10/31/07)
Dr. Caligari's Storage Areas By Cody Shaffer (10/31/07)
Things That Will Destroy My Heterosexual Marriage Long Before Gay Marriage Ever Will By Nick Sustana (10/25/07)
Popular Song Titles Had They Been Written by Richard Wagner By Josh Knisely (10/25/07)
Spinoffs of Dancing With the Stars for the Common Man By Maggie Utgoff (10/25/07)
Possible Titles for Kanye West's Next Album By Kris Giuliani (10/18/07)
Bad News Bears By Oriana Schwartzentruber (10/18/07)
Exotic Blitzes By Daniel Leahy (10/18/07)
Horror Movies for Kids By Ian Carey (10/11/07)
Adjectives Rejected in Favor of "Kafkaesque" By Ryan Nyburg (10/11/07)
The Songs of Lenin and McCarthy By Jimmy Chen (10/11/07)
Progressive-Rock Fans Are Terrible Trash-Talkers By Wayne Gladstone (10/4/07)
Possible Titles for My Autobiography By Helene Hertzlinger (10/4/07)
Unpopular Poetry Anthologies by Unpopular Poets By Eric Kocher (10/4/07)
Common Illnesses at the Vatican By Elvis Dingeldein (9/27/07)
Hastily Penned Books Written by High-Profile Authors in Response to a Public Disgrace By Joshua Shreve (9/27/07)
Two Lists of Complaints By Stuart Zehner (9/27/07)
Iraq-War Clichs or New Euphemisms for Taking a Crap? By Kevin Griffith (9/19/07)
Selected Reading Materials From the Waiting Room of Albert Camus, D.D.S. By Adam Shalvey (9/19/07)
Expressions for Vegans By Michael Armstrong (9/19/07)
My Film-Summary Exercises From Screenwriting Class (as Edited by My Pregnant Wife) By Wayne Gladstone and Louisa Bonnanzio (8/30/07)
Thirty Illnesses, Sorted According to Whether or Not You Can Eat the Victims By Maryam Akbari and Sean Michaels (8/30/07)
Titles of Cinema Classics That Would Be Bad Titles for Pornographic Films By Matthew Sewell (8/30/07)
Vacation Slogans for Lower-Tier Towns By James Brink and Audrey Ngo-Lee (8/22/07)
Phrases Commonly Used by 1950s Housewives That Were Often Misinterpreted by the Housewives' Husbands as Blatant Requests for Sex By Whitney Collins (8/22/07)
Ways I've Let Down Popular Musicians By John Moe (8/22/07)
Grimm Fairy Tales Made Decidedly More Grim By Jonathan Shipley (8/9/07)
Things Said by the Presenter of a Seminar on the Future of Color in Printing By Susan Morton (8/9/07)
Possible Catch Phrases for the Ending of a TV Show Called Guantnamo Five-O By Charlie Hopper (8/9/07)
Freudian Notes My Hasty Doctor Wrote in My Medical Chart By Amanda Murphy (8/3/07)
Less Successful Heavy-Metal Wedding Tribute Bands By Brian Shields (8/3/07)
Who Said It: Vice President Dick Cheney or Phil Leotardo From The Sopranos? By Benjamin Freed (8/3/07)
Things I Have Learned From Ex-Boyfriends By Megan Robin (7/26/07)
Past and Future Magazine Titles That Map Our Intellectual Decline By Andrew dePasquale (7/26/07)
Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings to Take the Place of "And they lived happily ever after" By Sabrina Abbott (7/26/07)
Things I Was Thinking in Hot Topic After My 3-Year-Old Daughter and I Were Greeted by a Very Provocatively Dressed Salesgirl By Wayne Gladstone (7/19/07)
Lies Printed on My Waffle Iron By Annie Mackey (7/19/07)
Two Things That Aren't Covered by Your Friend With Benefits By Matthew Simmons (7/19/07)
My Father's Harper's Index By Dan Kennedy (7/12/07)
Titles From Dr. Seuss's Brief Foray Into Realism By Jonathan Baude and J. Alex Boyd (7/12/07)
Four Simple Steps to Becoming More Decisive By Andrew R. Juhl (7/12/07)
Actual Instructions for "Demolition to Prevent Enemy Use [of Slide Projectors]," From the U.S. War Department, 1943 By Jamba Dunn (6/29/07)
Signs of Impending Suicide That Hemingway's Friends May Have Overlooked By Mark Wilcoxson (6/29/07)
The Year After the Year of Living Dangerously By Jennifer Gorman (6/29/07)
Less-Imposing Russian Rulers By Scott Shemo (6/22/07)
Other Cereals From the Makers of Kashi's "Good Friends" By David Wolinsky (6/22/07)
Ways in Which the Hunter Might Become the Hunted By Matt Suddain (6/22/07)
No. 60: Improvisation / Improv / Impro--Good Improv-Group Names From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/15/07)
No. 82: Movie Spoofs--Sample Dialogue (Nonporn Category) From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/14/07)
No. 86: Novelty Items--Some Novelty Items That Never Caught On From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/13/07)
No. 117: Scare Comedy--Dos and Don'ts From Comedy by the Numbers by Eric Hoffman and Gary Rudoren (6/12/07)
Ron Jeremy's Filmography If He Had Played the Banjo Instead of Having Anal Sex By William Volk (6/8/07)
FAQ for Dogs By Neahmiah Scudder (6/8/07)
Unlikely Disasters By Gabe Koplowitz (6/8/07)
Cultural Instances Other Than Bob Dylan's 1965 Newport Folk Festival Set When "Going Electric" Was Met With Considerable Public Outcry By Marty Bregman (6/1/07)
Literary TV Programs Yet to Be Produced By Christian Clarke (6/1/07)
Terms Generally Not Used by Pugilists By Scott Evans (6/1/07)
My Nonprofit R&B Group's Set List By B. Davin Stengel (5/25/07)
Jenny's Alternate Numbers By Gretchen VanWormer (5/25/07)
Phrases in My Apartment Listing on Craigslist That Most Likely Hurt My Chances of Finding a Renter By Cal Newport (5/25/07)
The White House's Conditions Under Which Harriet Miers and Karl Rove Will Testify Before Congress By Matthew Belinkie (5/18/07)
I'm Reasonably Confident I Would Beat Ken Jennings in These Jeopardy! Categories By Owen Morris (5/18/07)
Haiku a Bitter Duck Might Write By Jay Silverman (5/18/07)
Thomas Hobbes's "State of Nature" Adjectives That Befit My Hangover By Julieanne Smolinski (5/11/07)
Titles of Songs From Pet Sounds, Translated In and Out of Japanese by Google Translate By Daniel Byndas (5/11/07)
Ways to Tell a Coral Snake From a Milk Snake By Byron Boneparth (5/4/07)
What Does Your Name Say About You? By Felix Kent (5/4/07)
Mundane Dreams By Jessy Randall and Daniel M. Shapiro (5/4/07)
The Names of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs After Being Prescribed Paxil, Ritalin, Prozac, Lithium, Provigil, and Benadryl By Jeffrey Greenstein (4/25/07)
What People Said Tornadoes Sounded Like Before the Invention of the Freight Train (in Reverse Chronological Order) By L.T. Chong (4/25/07)
If the Beatles Were Born Today By Francis Doehner (4/25/07)
Zen Parable or Just Someone Being Cruel? By Damian Haas (4/20/07)
Other Options Available on the New Poetry SUV By Brett Ortler (4/20/07)
Words I See When I Read the Phrase "Intelligent Design" While Squinting By David Ng (4/11/07)
We Have Ways to Make You Talk By Ralph Gamelli (4/11/07)
Alternate Titles to Barack Obama's Book The Audacity of Hope If It Had Been Written by President Bush By David Perkins (4/11/07)
An Oversimplified List of Options in Iraq By David Cassel (4/6/07)
Failed Ben & Jerry's Flavors By John McMurtrie (4/6/07)
Probable Future Names of Hershey's Candies, Following the Progression of Kisses to Hugs By Daniel Nass, Daniel Peach, and Robby McInnes (4/6/07)
The Plot of an Adult Film, Ford F-Series, Told Chronologically Through Car Model Names By Jeff Russell (3/23/07)
What I Think the Illegible Gang Graffiti That Was Spray-Painted Onto My Apartment Building Actually Says By Robyn Nisi (3/23/07)
Locations on My Person Where It Is Possible to Hide a Machete, According to the TSA Employee Who Patted Me Down at Flint Bishop Airport, in Flint, Michigan By Kelly Parker (3/23/07)
Reasons for Believing We Are, in Fact, No Longer in Kansas By Will Niver (3/16/07)
Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday By Jason Rohrbacker (3/16/07)
Possible Titles for Future Sue Grafton Novels After She Runs Out of Letters By Chris Steck (3/16/07)
Snow White and the Seven Goths By Pauline Brown, Paul Dobson, Lillian Crombie, and Paul Zinkel (3/9/07)
Essay Titles Crafted to Compensate for My Mediocre Writing Abilities By Carrie Shemanski (3/9/07)
Clint Eastwood Film or Gay Porn? By Joe John (3/9/07)
Actual Titles of Victorian Periodicals By Janice Arnott (3/2/07)
Musical Numbers From Fight Club! The Musical By Michael Schulman and Allysha Powanda (3/2/07)
Words Never Used in the Titles of Remotely Good Films By Patrick Cassels (3/2/07)
Long-Awaited Sequels to Aeschylus's Prometheus Bound By Eric Feezell (2/22/07)
New Types of Whisperers Unlikely to Gain a Mainstream Following By Jennifer Byrne (2/22/07)
I Can't Remember What It's Called When You Mix Up the Letters in a Word to Form a New Word By Dan Kennedy (2/22/07)
Mildly Disturbing Greeting-Card Messages By Cal Newport (2/16/07)
What My Father Said About Thanksgiving, What I Thought, and What He Meant By Allie Oestreich (2/16/07)
Things I Desperately Wish Women Would Say to Me on First Dates By Mike Drucker (2/16/07)
Band Names Rejected by the Smashing Pumpkins By Ryan Vaughan (2/8/07)
Opening Sentences to A Tale of Two Cities Rejected by Dickens Before He Settled on "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ..." By John Andreini (2/8/07)
Subjects of Pictures That Accurately Represent College Life, According to CollegeHumor.com's Tags on Recently Submitted Pictures By Katie Cooper (2/8/07)
Considered but Discarded Names for the Indie Band Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin By John Flowers (2/2/07)
The Only "Cute Couple" Halloween Costumes My Boyfriend and I Will Be Able to Use in Our Lifetimes, Because I Am 5'2" and He Is 6'7" By Susan Howson (2/2/07)
Reason for Celebrating Every Major Holiday With the In-laws, According to My Mother-in-Law By CG Leddy (2/2/07)
Alternate Titles for House of Flying Daggers By Zachary Bloom (1/25/07)
The Meatball Studies Major: Suggested Courses By Nick Leggin (1/25/07)
What Members of an Increasingly Petulant Host Family Say to Foreign-Exchange Student Maloka Bibihou By Andrew Kiraly (1/25/07)
Things That Get Way More Fun When You Add a "G" to Them By Brian Case (1/19/07)
Things an Overbearing Mother Might Say to a Son Just Waking From a Coma By Mark Tuben (1/19/07)
Books Written by Kurt Vonnegut While Hungry By Jeffrey Lang-Weir (1/19/07)
Suggestions for a Proposed National Code of Health Emoticons and Abbreviations for Instant Messenger By Kathy Salerno (1/11/07)
Possible Titles for the Oscar-Winning "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" If Three 6 Mafia Had Been More Introspective By James Miller (1/11/07)
Possible Titles for To Kill a Mockingbird If It Had Been Based on What My Mother Said Was Sinful By Erin Rooney Doland (1/11/07)
Other Long-Standing Feuds I'd Like to See Explored in a Commercial la "Hi, I'm a Mac" ... "And I'm a PC" By Jesse Benjamin (12/21/06)
Character From a Thomas Pynchon Novel or Someone Who Recently Sent Me Spam? By Matt Barnhart (12/21/06)
Comments on My Short Story I've Received From My Creative-Writing Classmates By Robert Hinderliter (12/21/06)
Comments and Questions in My Greek History Discussion Section on Spartan Society By Alexandra Marraccini (12/15/06)
Variants of Walking, As Defined by the United States Department of Agriculture By Ben Rosengart (12/15/06)
Foolproof Dinner Party Icebreakers By Russell Zerbo (12/15/06)
Nicknames for Yakima: Central Washington's Crystal Methamphetamine Capital By Andrew Mudd (12/6/06)
Things My Father Has Said to Me in Crowded Restaurants By Erica Korey (12/6/06)
Vegetarian Alternatives to Bowling By Christopher Harris and John Painting (12/6/06)
Poorly Named Game Shows of the Middle Ages By Matt Osten (12/1/06)
Cities From Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities or Unique Baby Names From BabyNameWorld.com? By Greg Santos (12/1/06)
Nuclear Plant or Retirement Community? By Josh Fischel (12/1/06)
Alternate Titles for O.J. Simpson's New Book By Jeff Drake, Wendy Molyneux, John Robertson, and Ann Slichter (11/20/06)
Classic Titles We Tried to Turn Into Fake Titles for O.J.'s New Book That Turned Out to Sound Too Much Like Real Titles for O.J.'s New Book By Jeff Drake, Wendy Molyneux, John Robertson, and Ann Slichter (11/20/06)
Potential Nicknames for the Star Player on My Son's Soccer Team By Wendi Aarons (11/20/06)
Reasons Selected Relationships With Women Have Failed, in Autobiographical Order, From Fifth Grade to Present By Scott Downes (11/16/06)
Acceptable Written Forms for the Bullwhip Sound Effect By Adam Koford (11/16/06)
Other Tobacco Mascots That Met With Disapproval From the American Medical Association By Eric Feezell (11/16/06)
Phrases on the Marquee at the Local Strip Club to Cater to a More Literate Crowd By Jonathan Shipley (11/8/06)
Twist Endings By Geoff Haggerty (11/8/06)
Jokes Made by Robots, for Robots By J. Alex Boyd (11/8/06)
Prescription Drug or Metal Band? By Eryk Salvaggio (11/1/06)
Self-Help Books for Hipsters By Jennifer Dziura (11/1/06)
Reasons I Disagree With the Premise of the Song "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes" By Chris Hughes (10/27/06)
Taboos Never Mentioned at Meetings of the Jane Austen Society By Chuck Strangward (10/27/06)
Daydreams I've Had About a Giant Hand and One About a Man With an Elongated Arm By Anthony Messina (10/20/06)
Titles Still Available for Taut, Fast-Paced Legal Thrillers By Lars Ostrom (10/20/06)
Rejected Names for Nerds Candy By Hannah Schaefer (10/20/06)
Creationist Astronomers Polled Regarding Pluto's Status By David Harnden-Warwick (10/12/06)
Jewish Holidays for Hipsters By Michael Schulman (10/12/06)
Wikipedia Articles Longer Than "Spain" By Thomas Beckwith and James Hannaway (10/12/06)
Probable Sequels to Breakin' (1984) and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984) By Whitey Eckerson (10/6/06)
The Endings of 10 Famous Novels You Always Meant to Read but Never Got Around To By Salom Teshale (10/6/06)
They Might Be Giants, They Might Not--Who Knows? By Jeffery S. Taylor (10/6/06)
What Critics and Writers Are Saying About My New Book of Poetry, The Doberman Plot By Sebastian Bitticks (9/28/06)
Horror Movie Titles on a Three-Letter Budget (and Subsequent Blurbs) By Kirk Nelson (9/28/06)
Poets Pet Names for Their Privates By Adam Wasson (9/28/06)
Things You and the Cap'n Can Make Happen By Sara Afshar (9/21/06)
St. James Parish Sewing Club Members Whose First Names Sound Like Programming Languages By Nick Leggin (9/21/06)
Businesses That Failed to Duplicate the Success of "I Can't Believe It's Yogurt" By Stephen Thompson (9/21/06)
HAL's Comments While Trapped on a Desert Island, and Your Name Is Dave By Joyce Hughes and Miranda Burgess (9/15/06)
Characters From the G.I. Joe Civil War Collection By Keith Staskiewicz (9/15/06)
Better Names for Rhode Island By Dennis Jordan (9/15/06)
World Leader Fonts By Michael Meilan (9/7/06)
For the Coming Post-Chocolate-Milk Paradigm: Other Drinks That Can Be Made by Just Adding Chocolate Syrup By Matthew Webster (9/7/06)
Ikea Product or Lord of the Rings Character? By Caley Feldman (9/7/06)
Suggested New Names for "Curry in a Hurry" After Last Saturday's Dining Experience By Ryan Paxton (8/30/06)
Physical Characteristics I Wished My Boyfriend Possessed During Last Night's Power Outage By Kristie McClanahan (8/30/06)
Original Title Suggestions by J.D. Salinger's Publisher That Could Have Been Deleterious to the Success of His Magnum Opus By Eric Feezell (8/30/06)
Biblical Horror Movies By Jonathan Shipley (8/25/06)
Lesser-Known Joe Jacksons By Eli Musser (8/25/06)
Ways in Which Spider-Man Does Not "Do Whatever a Spider Can" By Jon Mitchell (8/17/06)
Toddler T-Shirt Slogans By Darryl Berger (8/17/06)
Chapter Titles for Rachel Carson's 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist By Caredwen Foley (8/17/06)
Philip K. Dick's Lost Submissions to Better Homes and Gardens By Matthew Hunziker (8/9/06)
Small Businesses Poorly Named After Classic Literature By M. Trevor Higgins (8/9/06)
Alternatives, Should You Not Like Pia Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain By Leighton Stevenson (8/9/06)
Upcoming Amazing Stunts by Magician David Blaine By Jonathan Shipley (8/4/06)
Some of Dan Brown's Works in Progress By Vince LiCata (8/4/06)
What the "It" Refers to in Gatorade's "Is It in You?" Campaign By Stan W. Kost (8/4/06)
Strange Compliments I've Received Because I'm Not Very Attractive By Kate Sullivan (7/27/06)
Five Things Rick Astley Is Never Gonna Do By Travis Nicholson (7/27/06)
If Shakespeare Had Sold His Plays to Major League Baseball Instead of to the King's Men By Ryan Smith (7/27/06)
Failed NASA Space Programs By Jonathan Shipley (7/19/06)
Shows I Pitched VH1 By Brian Beatty (7/19/06)
Groups Shocked at the Revelation That Judas May Have Been Jesus' Most Loyal Disciple By James Yeh (7/19/06)
Some Entirely Realistic Suggestions Following the Failures of the Quixotic "War on Drugs" and "War on Terror" By James Murray and Andrew Meek (7/13/06)
Bullet Points Written on a Conference Room Easel, Left Over From a Meeting at Which I Wish I Had Been Present By Ryan Hebert (7/13/06)
Lost Causes By Ashley Farmer (7/13/06)
Board Games Inspired by the Bush Administration By Eric Feezell (7/6/06)
Hoover Dam Fast-Fact Pamphlet If Hoover Dam Were a Scale Model Made of Legos By Orr Goehring (7/6/06)
Actual Month-by-Month Headlines From the Past Year of the Gmail Sidebar Advertisements That Google Determined Were Relevant to My Life by Matching Them to Keywords in My E-Mails By William Callahan (7/6/06)
Avian Maladies Commonly Misdiagnosed as Bird Flu By Curt Lund (6/20/06)
Transformers No One Bought By Henry S. Kivett (6/20/06)
Disneyland Rides If Disney Were Bought Out by the Campbell Soup Company By Jonathan Shipley (6/20/06)
Plot Synopses for Episodes of a Gilligan's Island Remake Starring Members of the Bush Administration By Peter Norvig (6/15/06)
That's So Raven By Martin Bell (6/15/06)
People Who Know My Sins By Bob Evans (6/15/06)
If Anchorage, Alaska, Had Been Named by Someone Less Upbeat About Life at Sea By Mike Richardson-Bryan (6/7/06)
Apparent Passions of My Upstairs Neighbors By Glenn Lingle (6/7/06)
Oscar Picks for Best Actor, 2025 By Haden Polseno-Hensley (6/7/06)
Roller-Derby Pseudonyms for Literature Majors By J. Steven Davis and Katherine J. Hannon (6/1/06)
What People Were Saying About Me at the Party I Had to Miss Because I Was on a Flight Home From Chicago By Shauna McKenna (6/1/06)
Comeback T-Shirts for "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirts By Marc Tyler Nobleman (6/1/06)
Reasons Not to Fear the Reaper By Richie Kulchar (5/24/06)
Possible Marketing Gimmicks That Took the NBA From "Earn 3 A's and Get FREE Tickets" to "Guns for Tickets" in Only 20 Years By Katie Sweeney (5/24/06)
Mobile-Phone Models That Improve Upon the RAZR, SLVR, and PEBL By Katherine Thompson and Jeremy Todd (5/24/06)
Where I Would Look for Hungry, Hungry Hippos By Andrew Hoyt (5/18/06)
Prior Miles Davis Albums By Mark J. Hansen (5/18/06)
Rejected Marketing Slogans for National Poetry Month By Emily Lloyd (5/18/06)
Popular Musicians If England Had Won the Revolutionary War By S.F. Purschwitz (5/15/06)
Habits That Are Harder to Break Than Peter Cetera's Ex-Girlfriend By Douglas Edwards (5/11/06)
Good Advice From a Grand Theft Auto Dating FAQ By David Abrams (5/11/06)
Signs That America May Be Having a Love Affair With the Automobile By Darren Addy (5/11/06)
Possible Names for a Child Conceived by an Almond Fanatic and a Lover of the Movie Young Guns By Eric Feezell (5/5/06)
Unpublished Sequels to Famous Science-Fiction Novels By Steve Rushmore (5/5/06)
Song Ideas for My Next Album By Brian Geary (5/5/06)
Complete List of Creatures in a Land Called Honah Lee By David Litt (4/26/06)
Unfortunate Ballpark Promotions By Chris Steck (4/26/06)
Diseases I'm Glad Aren't Sexually Transmitted By Scott Domansky (4/26/06)
Inefficient Units of Currency By Joseph Streckert (4/20/06)
What God Does in Her Spare Time By Jamie Kilstein and Allison Kilkenny (4/20/06)
Rats' Asses Given By Matthew Baldwin (4/20/06)
The Future of Paper Plates By Mark R. Mandel (4/14/06)
Common Enemies of the Paperboy, According to the Nintendo Game of the Same Name By Maggie Utgoff (4/14/06)
Common Phrases Not Written in My High-School Yearbook, for a Multitude of Reasons By Colleen Doyle (4/14/06)
Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star By Greg Howard (4/7/06)
Medical Maladies Less Well Known Than Lou Gehrig's Disease That Are Also Named After Athletes By Scott Putnicki (4/7/06)
Sleeper Asbestos-Containing Products the Discovery of Whose Fatal Fiber Emissions Would Trigger Mass Panic By Laura Mellis (3/24/06)
Natural Rock Features Named by an Overwrought Mother Hired by the National Park Service By John Strodtman (3/24/06)
Frank McCourt's American History Class: Course Syllabus By Derrick Martin (3/24/06)
Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code By Thomas Hynes (3/20/06)
Reasons I Stand by My Decision to Pick Seton Hall to Make the Final Four of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Despite Their 20-Point Loss to Wichita State in the First Round By Chris Song (3/20/06)
Other Names Sting Could Go By, as Suggested by My Thesaurus By Collin Joyce (3/20/06)
Hit Songs of the 1970s and '80s If the South Had Won the Civil War By Matt Vella (3/15/06)
Possible Reasons My Short Stories Are So Poorly Reviewed by the Other Members of My Writers' Workshop By Jared Young (3/15/06)
Linebackers Who Are Twice as Good as Mike Singletary By Chris Morgan (3/15/06)
Things I Might Be Convinced to Give My Left Arm For By Gibson Holub (3/8/06)
Reasons the Little Teapot Was Picked On in High School By Taylor Dearr (3/8/06)
Things I Could Have Said When the Strap on My Israeli Paratrooper Bag Broke If I'd Known the Outcome of Whichever War It Was Used In By Greg Boose (3/8/06)
Sample Emoticons for e-Kicking Someone in the e-Balls By Barbara DeCesare (3/6/06)
What the People Who Used to Live in My House Apparently Said to Each Other Before Selling It to Me By Jessy Randall (3/3/06)
Victoria's Secret By Megan Amram (3/3/06)
Things That Are Beyond the Pale By Matthew Warren (3/3/06)
Other Signs Held Up by Olympic Moguls Skier Toby Dawson's Mom Besides "GOOD LUCK, TOBY DAWSON!" By Andy Hobin (3/3/06)
Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic By Iva-Marie Palmer (2/23/06)
A Gay Cowboy's Top 10 Movies of 2005 By Patrick T. Hewlett (2/23/06)
Possible Titles for an Actual A&E Network Documentary on a Murder Case in Battle Creek, Michigan By Andrew Milner (2/23/06)
Selected Entries From the Index to the Owner's Handbook of the 2000 Saturn S-Series Sedan By Matthew W. Grieco (2/16/06)
Upcoming Jean-Claude Van Damme Film Titles That Show a Lack of Imagination on the Part of the Director and Screenwriters By Trevor Seigler (2/16/06)
Anticipated Sequels to the Children's Book Everyone Poops By Melanie Minzes (2/16/06)
Nonviolent Westerns By Theodore Koutz (2/10/06)
Hot New Color Trends for 2006 By Beth Edwards (2/10/06)
Activities That Might Prove More Practical Than Cleaning My Gas Mask Once a Month as the Army Suggests By John McRae (2/10/06)
Terrifying Bioengineered Animal-Snack Hybrids Not Mentioned as Potential Threats During the State of the Union Address By Matthew Brehm and Brian Leatherman (2/3/06)
Last Night's Top Five Alphabet-Soup Spoonfuls By Jason Ratliff (2/3/06)
Unlikely World War II Fighter Squadron Names By Ken Feinleib (2/3/06)
Brian Wilson's First Five Suggestions for the Name of the Album That Would Be Called Pet Sounds By Timmy Waldron (2/3/06)
Responses to People on the 6 Train That Hopefully Convey My Feelings in a Polite Way By Leighton Davis (2/1/06)
Secret Canadian Superweapons in Development By Wynn Quon (2/1/06)
Less Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups By Todd Rovak (2/1/06)
What the Corinthians Wrote Back to the Apostle Paul By Andrew Milner (1/26/06)
Names for Your Transgendered Baby By Carmen Nobel (1/26/06)
Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk By Jen Goodhue (1/24/06)
What You Gon' Do With All That Junk Inside That Trunk? By Lucas Cox (1/20/06)
Geometric Relationships More Realistic Than the Love Triangle By Jez Burrows (1/20/06)
Twelve Phrases Involving Al Roker That Return Only One Hit on Google By Matthew Stidle (1/20/06)
If Poets Named Breakfast Cereals By Josh Michtom (1/17/06)
Places Where I Can Find a Woman Like Jesse's Girl, Years Later By Dan Reed (1/17/06)
"Love" Songs Replaced With Danny Glover By Donaville Herrick (1/17/06)
Unpleasant Questions to Be Asked at the End of a Meal By Jacque Lynn Schiller (1/13/06)
Dr. Phil's Inventions By Scott Smith (1/13/06)
Words and Phrases I Hope Never Appear in Front of My Name in Print By Michael Ward (1/13/06)
Things My Girlfriend Did Not Say After I Told Her That I Sometimes Feel Stuck By Adam Iverson (1/6/06)
Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than "I'm Feeling Lucky" By Angela Genusa (1/6/06)
New Year's Resolutions By Teddy Wayne and Greg Wayne (1/6/06)
Advice You'll Never Get From OnStar By Lynnell Edwards (1/4/06)
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places By Maya Rudolph (1/4/06)
Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order By Geoff Haggerty (1/4/06)
Places to Which Eddie Murphy's Character in Coming to America Would Want to Move If, Instead of a Queen, He Wanted to Find a Prostitute By Neal Dusedau (12/23/05)
Most Popular Hobbies in Ancient Rome as Portrayed in HBO's Rome By Keith McIntire (12/23/05)
Possible First Names for Count Chocula By Adam Selzer (12/23/05)
Things I Thought About Telling My Husband I Was Thinking About When He Asked What I Was Thinking About While I Was Actually Thinking About Having Babies By Meg Freebern (12/14/05)
Questions You Should Ask Someone Who Calls in a Bomb Threat, According to the "Life Safety Manual" at My Office Building in Chicago By Mike Aparicio (12/14/05)
Amended Tag Lines for Arby's By Dan Kennedy (12/14/05)
Milton Bradley's Secret Invasion Orders for the Attack on Boston Harbor By Todd Rovak (12/9/05)
Selected Comments From a British Web Discussion Forum Entitled "Protecting Your Home From Criminals--How Far Would You Go?" By Owain Brimfield (12/9/05)
Ideas for Creating American Jobs That Are Better Than the 735,000 Jobs Promised If Drilling Is Allowed in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge By G.C. Aitch (12/9/05)
Socially Awkward Situations During Which It Would Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas By Benjamin Sumlin (12/2/05)
Working Titles for a Movie About an Openly Gay Quarterback Who Leads His Team to the Super Bowl After Being Thrust Into Action Midseason When the Regular Starter Went Down By Amir Farhang (12/2/05)
Intimidating but Rejected Sports-Team Names By Richard Long (11/18/05)
Bruce Springsteen Songs, If the Title More Accurately Reflected the Subject Matter By Matthew Turk (11/18/05)
Movies That Won't Be Shown on the Lifetime Network By Shyra Latiolais (11/18/05)
Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series By Colleen Doyle (11/11/05)
If Beasts Were Breasts in the Bookstore By Mark Peters (11/11/05)
Some Additional Polar Ambulations By Matt Wyatt (11/11/05)
Least Reputable Charities By Lucas Cox (11/4/05)
Great Books of the 20th Century, as Reviewed by My Boss By Nathan Thornton (11/4/05)
Reasons Bloggers Hate the Mainstream Media By William Wolfe (11/4/05)
Comments From the Crowd Gathering Around the Body of Phidippides, Reporter of the Greek Victory Over the Persians at Marathon, Soon After He Gasped, "We Won," and Died By Brian Hubbard (10/28/05)
What I Like About You By James Muldowney (10/28/05)
Rejected Bond Girls By Rebecca Waits (10/28/05)
My Rejected Cooking Show Ideas By Dan Kennedy (10/21/05)
Leonard Cohen's Seven Immutable Laws of Business By Ken Krimstein (10/21/05)
Other Places Jimmy Buffett Wasted Away By Chris Steck (10/14/05)
Subjects of "Light Bulb" Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines By Peter J. Woods (10/14/05)
Five Ill-Fated Store Names By V. Einstein (10/14/05)
The Names of the President and the Members of the Presidential Cabinet According to the Etymological Backgrounds of Their First and Last Names, and of Their Middle Names When Available By Jrgen G. Cleemann (10/12/05)
If Yosemite Sam's Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies By Martin Bell (10/7/05)
Ways in Which the Disinterred Corpse of Silent-Film Actor Lon Chaney Would Be a Better Vice President Than Dick Cheney By Ian Adams (10/7/05)
As Yet Unrecognized by Microsoft Windows By Adam Chapman (10/5/05)
Fruit-Drink Flavors That Never Took Off By Ben Weinberg (10/5/05)
Things You Would Say If You Had a Time Machine and Lots of Financial Problems By Lynette Cain (9/30/05)
State Songs, If They All Suggested the Apathy of Idaho's "Here We Have Idaho" By Craig Robertson (9/30/05)
Ed Harrelson, Teen-Driver's-Education Instructor By Sean Carman (9/30/05)
7 Habits of Highly Successful People By Brendon Lloyd (9/23/05)
Stories About My Puma By Meg Favreau (9/23/05)
Companies at the Vanguard of the New Era in Christian Marketing By Ned Rust (9/23/05)
What Thoreau Is Missing By Shannon Peach (9/16/05)
I Can Never Recall the Name of Brooklyn's New Hip Band By Dan Kennedy (9/16/05)
Methods Other Than Song by Which One Can Be Killed Softly By Jonathan Holley and Emily Lawton (9/16/05)
Modern Air-Guitar Alternatives By Steve McKnight (9/9/05)
Excerpts From the "Band Members Wanted" Section of the New York Musicians' Exchange (Circa 1987) By John Dadey (9/9/05)
Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament By Andy Sutherland (9/9/05)
Things Hagrid the Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead of Harry Potter By Hart Seely (9/6/05)
Not-So-Good Names for Murder Mysteries By Kevin Thoreson (9/2/05)
Places You Might Find Jesus By Jessy Henderson (9/2/05)
Directors' Commentaries From My DVD Collection By John Mancini (9/2/05)
Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell's 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out By Patrick Cassels (8/26/05)
Chapter Titles From My Creationist Textbook By David Ng (8/26/05)
Klingon Fairy Tales By Mike Richardson-Bryan (8/22/05)
Things Koala Bears Would Say By Tim Weinmann (8/19/05)
Other Poll Questions That May One Day Appear on an Unnamed Internet News Website, Given Its Recently Asked Question "Have You Ever Been in an Accident Involving a Plane?" Following the Air France Crash By Tracey Harrington and Meredith O'Donnell (8/19/05)
Poorly Selling T-Shirts By Josh Knisely (8/19/05)
Elements Waiting Patiently for Inclusion on the Periodic Table By Scott Gold and Katie McHugh (8/17/05)
Ways One Could, in Theory, Fight the Seether By Stephen Walsh (8/17/05)
Nonverbal Cues in Bizarro's World By Ted Sanchez (8/17/05)
Things My Brother Has That I Don't By Scott Evan Newcomb (8/12/05)
Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu's Editor By John Kearney (8/12/05)
Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives' Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment By James Erwin (8/10/05)
Less-Threatening Islamist Groups By Chris Wilkinson (8/10/05)
Seven Band Names That Would Be Impossible to Book By Mike Hampton (8/10/05)
Lesser-Known Movie Prequels By Sarah Garb (8/5/05)
The Stages of All My Romantic Relationships as Described by Hall and Oates Song Titles By Anthony Rosato (8/5/05)
Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ By Cara Jennison and Andrew Sutherland (8/3/05)
Things My Boss Said to Me Without Elaborating By Isaiah Dufort (7/22/05)
Special-Interest Bike Shops By Marin Aldrich (7/22/05)
Admirable Activities for Suburban Residents That Sound Wholly Unremarkable When Performed by Superheroes By Tim Vanderburg (7/22/05)
Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced By Eric Feezell (7/15/05)
Other Things the Road to Hell Is Paved With By Angela Genusa (7/15/05)
Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station By Conley Wouters (7/15/05)
Rides From the Amusement Park of My Collective Memory By Mark Alexandre Fortin (7/12/05)
Things Pandora Could Have Opened That Wouldn't Have Produced Such Unpleasant Results By Devin McGinty (7/12/05)
Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was "Things You Do at a Party" By Aaron Starmer (7/11/05)
My Personal Mottoes By Brian Beatty (7/7/05)
What to Think About When Two "Grown Adults" Come and Complain to You About How They Cannot Get Along With Each Other at Work By Dave Best (7/7/05)
Things My Family Prefers Over Gay Marriage By Will Bilyeu (7/7/05)
Authorial Candy Bars, With Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren't as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar By Jonathan Shipley (6/29/05)
Christmas Presents I Would Consider Giving Mr. Belvedere Were He My Personal Manservant By CT Kelley (6/29/05)
The Mall's Banana Republics for the New Millennium By Kate Hahn (6/24/05)
The Extended Family of Thespian Rip Torn By Patrick Cassels (6/24/05)
Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest By Roy Futterman (6/24/05)
The Most Beautiful Men in the World By Runjit Chandra (6/21/05)
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