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Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog

By Daniel Kurtzman, About.com Guide to Political Humor since 2000
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The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Tuesday October 30, 2007 [image: Late-Night Political Jokes] "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phony press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it's all reporters and no FEMA members." --Jay Leno
"Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"Folks, when I decided to run for president I did not do it for attention. I did it to fulfill a dream of being the most popular man in the world. But the media can't keep their sticky hands out of my populous pie. Look at these headlines: ABC NEWS, 'Colbert Campaign May Run Afoul of Law;' Politico, 'Colbert 'run' risks breaking law;' Outside the Beltway, 'Colbert Run May Violate Federal Election Law.' For the record, I would never knowingly violate any federal election laws. Luckily, I don't know any federal election laws." --Stephen Colbert
"Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one'" --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton's meltdown during the debate the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said, 'It was Hillary's worst performance since our honeymoon.'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is trying his best to catch up to Hillary in the polls. Going into last night's debate, he promised to go after her more directly than he has in the past. All the candidates, in fact, are ganging up on Hillary. They attacked her on her foreign policy, her trustworthiness, her leadership ability, her electability. I thought this was out of bounds. John Edwards called her a nappy-headed ho." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender. You know, we've made a lot of jokes about Dick Cheney and hunting and shooting his buddies in the face ... but he really is a great sportsman. I mean, before he shoots the pheasant, he makes it dig its own grave" --David Letterman
Read current late-night jokes...
Jokes for the Week of Oct. 14-20
"Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. Isn't that amazing? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party." --Jay Leno
"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno
"The Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. Believe it or not, they actually have a lot in common. One of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to completely empty your mind. The president did that years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel
"According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A White House spokesman said President Bush is very happy Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Not Dick Cheney. Oh, no. Dick Cheney said today now he wants to bomb Norway." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler
"I think I know why you're happy tonight ... 'cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, 'Sweden is with the terrorists.' No, the president did not say that. What he said was, 'The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study.'" --Bill Maher
"Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he's won a Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he's not even thinking about the presidency 'cause he's totally focused on winning the Heisman." --Conan O'Brien
"Presidential candidate Barack Obama ... went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door -- not looking for votes, trying to find her husband." --Jay Leno
"America's favorite professional restroom enthusiast, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has agreed to be interviewed by 'Today Show''s Matt Lauer tomorrow night on NBC. Craig said he wanted to make this his first interview because he feels NBC -- and we're very flattered -- is a well respected news organization that deals fairly with their subjects. He also finds Matt Lauer dreamy. ... At Senator Craig's request, all questions will be scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and discreetly passed to him." --Jay Leno
"This past weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame. See, I don't know how these things work. Is he a pitcher or a catcher?" --Jay Leno
"China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They're pretty mad. I hope they don't try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freeze in our toothpaste." --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'" --Conan O'Brien
"We're learning more and more information about that Republican debate the other night. Apparently, the Republicans were really paranoid about security at the debate. Security was very, very high. To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's name was mentioned 12 times the other night. 12 times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She's not used to guys yelling out her name." --Jay Leno
Read current late-night jokes...
Jokes for the Week of Oct. 6-13
"After the debate they go into these spin rooms and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson's people said he won because he didn't fall asleep. Mitt Romney's campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. And Rudy Giuliani's campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife." --Jay Leno
"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman
"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines" --Conan O'Brien
"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." --Jay Leno
"Senator Larry Craig ... has been selected for the Idaho Hall of Fame. Well, what a well thought out choice that was. ... Actually, he's not being inducted into the entire hall, just the men's room" --Jay Leno
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." --Conan O'Brien
"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement ... which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. ... The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license." --Jay Leno
"Tonight's Republican debate will be the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday on the campaign trail .enator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, 'It's not just NAFTA. I'm also opposed to my husband's views on MILFs." --Conan O'Brien
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Senator Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to 'get him in a room and slap him around.' When he heard this, Craig said, 'Don't say it unless you really mean it'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
"If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, his wife would be the first first lady ever with a pierced tongue. And he would be the first president ever to sit in the Oval Office on a booster seat." --Jay Leno
Read current late-night jokes...
Jokes for the Week of Sept. 30-Oct. 6
"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Rudy Giuliani has taken cell phone calls from his wife over 40 times during speeches. 40 times! And each time, it was a different wife calling." --Jay Leno
"President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, 'Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again.'" --Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary's plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. ... $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too." --Jay Leno
"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions." --Conan O'Brien
"The airport bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested is now being renovated, and the new bathroom will have stall dividers that go all the way down to the floor. When he heard about the new stall dividers, Senator Craig said, 'It doesn't matter. Love will find a way.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers
"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun" --David Letterman
"They also had a big debate this week, the Democrats. ... The news out of it was that they were asked, 'Do you think you could get the troops out of Iraq by the end of your first term in 2013?' All the frontrunners said 'no.' No! By 2013! Barack Obama called it 'the audacity of nope.'" --Bill Maher
"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno
"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher
"Last night was the premiere of 'Dancing Around The Issues,' otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate. ... The three Democratic frontrunners said last night ... that setting a timetable for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can't project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling out troops basically depends on the situation on the ground. Otherwise known as the 'Bush plan.'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at a global conference on poverty and education, former President Bill Clinton met with actress Angelina Jolie. Before the meeting, Clinton looked at himself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, 'Bill, this is moment you've been training for your whole life.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new survey, 52% of people have had sex with a colleague at work. 52%! You know, I can never look at Hannity and Colmes the same way again." --Jay Leno
Read current late-night jokes...
Jokes for the Week of Sept. 23-29
"This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 ... in reference to 9/11. ... Isn't that inappropriate? I mean, isn't it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno
"The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, 'If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we'll take a cab.'" --Conan O'Brien
"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman
"The Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it." --Bill Maher
"The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that douchbag on the Internet who says 'Leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher
"The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-Members-Only-Jacket-Jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. ... This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He's looked very hard for them, he's even placed personal ads. ... Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. ... That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either" --Jon Stewart
"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno
"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher
"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien
"But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher
"Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno
"Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, 'Then I'm suing for $700 million.'" --Conan O'Brien
Jokes for the Week of Sept. 16-22
"Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech." --Conan O'Brien
"Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. ... In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don't know Hillary has the world's best laugh. Bill added, 'I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno
"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien
"The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien
"A University of Florida student was tasered after asking John Kerry about the 2004 election. ... I believe this is the first time anyone's ever been electrified at a John Kerry speech." --Jay Leno
"While the cops had him down, did you hear what he yelled to the police? He was yelling ... 'Don't tase me bro.' You know something, any time a white guy says the word 'bro,' he deserves to get tasered." --Jay Leno
"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered. ... The entire situation was an unfortunate combination of police overreaction and what appears to be student douchebagery." --Jon Stewart
"In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush's Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science." --Jay Leno
"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her." --Bill Maher
"This week, General Petraeus has been testifying before Congress and today, a number of senators accused General Petraeus of lying. You've gotta understand why they're upset. If you are going to deceive the American people, you do it the right way ... you run for Congress." --Jay Leno
"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno
"When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card." --Jay Leno
"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys ... to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' ... So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel
Jokes for the Week of Sept. 2-8
"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. ... Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno
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